Banned Children's Books - Dad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep How Far is Not Far? Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story The Boy Who Cried "Fire!" Things Rat Poison Looks Like Why Uncle Bud Falls Down Two Fingers in the Dike Back To School! A Munitions Primer Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice Things That Are Really Sharp How Dopey Got His Name Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships
First Thing After Sex - Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door.
Creative Answering Machine Messages - You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. "Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
Sex Change - This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!"
Republican or Democrat - Person: Are you a democrat or a republican? Blonde: Oh, I'm an American.
Not specific enough! - A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Sex operation! - A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady. "May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady. "Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds. "Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?" "No," she says calmly. "What about when they cut off your.." "No," she says hesitantly. "Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks. "Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"
Nursery Rhyme - Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Hump me Dump me.
Fun Test! - TEST: ******************************************************************* DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened. ******************************************************************* 1) pick a number from 1-9 2) subtract 5 3) multiply by 3 4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive. 5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6 4= 10= 1 0=1) 6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4. 7) multiply by 2 8) subtract 6 9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc... 10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter 11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter 12) think of the color of that mammal ******************************************************************** DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You have a grey elephant from Denmark!
Pick-Up Lines Galore! - I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long. (Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes. Nice legs....what time do they open? Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more? I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven? You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
Road-killed lawyer - Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!
What is Green, Slimy... - What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork? Kermits Dick
Double The Recipe - Q: Why don't blondes double their recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Hollow - Why can't a ghost have sex?? Because he has a hollow weenie!
Cyber lingo for rednecks - Windows-A danger zone for Fido. Modem-A good way to get rid of weeds. Mouse-Something the cat chases.